Sixty years on the throne. Only the second monarch to celebrate a Diamond Jubilee. It's been a challenge, one doesn't mind telling you. But despite it all, one's still here. Still keeping the ship afloat, still in charge, still iconic, still keeping the gin industry in business, still ruling the world. Still reigning. God Save One. On Politics and State Occasions: 'Winston Churchill used to write the best speeches, of course. In those days, before TV cameras in the house, one could have a bit of fun and read them out in assorted accents. One's Gandhi impression had the Lords in tears of laughter once. Those were the days.' On the Royal Birth: Traditionally, of course, royal births were witnessed by the Home Secretary and Archbishop of Canterbury, but we've decided that they needn't bother this time, although William promised to text them a photo from his iPhone, just to put their minds at rest, on the strict understanding that they didn't upload it to Facebook. The last thing we need is a French magazine publishing them.' On America: 'One thinks of them as a mother thinks of a teenage boy: with a mixture of pride and exasperation. Although there is no denying that the American division of the British Armed forces has been awfully useful over time, even if they do have a habit of turning up late for wars and then taking the credit.'
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